People think I’m…

Flaky. Unreliable. Forgetful. Scatter-brained. Undisciplined.

I’m not saying that people don’t also think I’m all kinds of nice things. Smart. Funny. Friendly. A good storyteller. Good with kids. A voracious reader. An excellent sister [smiles and waves at Gina Marie]. I really and truly don’t discount those things, but they seem to get overshadowed by the Big Problem:

I let people down. Frequently.

Why, why, why?  I’ve analyzed it a million times and come up with a million reasons. Some are based on my behavior: I overcommitted or double-booked.  I didn’t check my calendar.  I didn’t write it down.  I did write it down, but then I forgot or lost the list or the paper or the calendar.  I thought about ____ but it was never the right time to go/call/do whatever or whoever I needed to, and by the time I remembered again, it was too late.  Other reasons are based on my character or innate traits: I have a bad memory. I must have ADD. I am undisciplined. I am a screw-up.  More responses come from other people: I never call them back.  I never check my voice mail/email. I must not value their time.  I must think I am more important than they are. They thought they could count on me to _____, and now it did not get done.

This brings to mind a lyric from one of my favorite songs by The Wonder Stuff:

I’ve been a long-term disappointment to myself
But it hits like a hammer when I’m that to someone else…

I hate disappointing people.  Hate it, hate it, hate it.  Yet it seems to be a constant in my life.  It’s on my mind this weekend because our church was calling for volunteers for a local organic festival being held this weekend.  I really want to volunteer, to walk the talk, as it were, but – again – I can’t ever seem to get enough of a handle on my life to actually do it.  So another weekend and another opportunity to give back to my community have passed me by again.  Urgh.  Not to mention not getting in touch with my friend Cindy about scrapbooking, not communicating with Charles about workout appointments, not getting the promised treats for Quinland’s slumber party, not getting my Girl Scout paperwork in… and those are just the things that people have brought to my attention.  There are probably five more things that I was supposed to have done in the past 48 hours I am not yet even aware that I have forgotten.  This is how my life goes.  I need a memory stick to upgrade the RAM in my brain.

  • {Clutter} released: Five more magazines and three unread newspapers!
  • {Body Fat} released: Tons of housework and laundry and thirty minutes of pulling weeds in the dirt.

9 thoughts on “People think I’m…

  1. Wow, little Lou! This is a HUGE amount of information. You have to remember that a lot of this forgetfulness is due to the MS. I wonder if the MS Society has info on how to help you with this issue. I know that that excellent memory is in there somewhere, it’s a matter of finding that door. Or memory stick. You don’t need an upgrade, you need to find the right port.

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    1. Oh, sweetie, it’s so kind of you to say that. It is possible that the MS is exacerbating (pun intended) the problem, but it is a life-long pattern, so I can’t give the MS all the blame.

      I know I have an excellent memory for trivia and stories and facts, so the fact that I can’t utilize that skill to help me in my daily life is soooo frustrating. Maybe you are right – I somehow need to just get that memory stick into the right port.

      If only I came with an owner’s manual!

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  2. Lori Lori.
    Flaky. Unreliable. Forgetful. Scatter-brained. Undisciplined. ???
    Definitely NOT the words that come to my mind when thinking about you.
    You don’t give yourself credit for all that you do organize and accomplish.

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    1. I’m Lori, and I approve this message. 🙂

      I actually do take credit for my accomplishments, believe it or not. This weekend, for example, I hosted a highly successful sleepover for 5 girls who eventually got some of the promised treats (but at 10 pm, much later than promised), met with Girl Scout leaders (got there late because I hadn’t returned phone calls or checked email), took 4 girls to soccer (and got them there 25 minutes before game time, with all uniforms and water bottles), had another 2-girl sleepover, saw friends I hadn’t seen in ages, bought stuff at IKEA for my scrapbook room, cleaned (including dusting!) the family room and nook (though D gets vacuuming credit), worked on sorting papers / purging cards in my office for three hours, and did four loads of laundry.

      So it was a very productive weekend, in one respect. I just wish I didn’t also screw up all those other things, and miss church and not go to the gym, besides. You know? The stuff that I got done was mostly stuff that I could do in my own time, at my own pace, and – for the most part – in my pajamas. It’s the “Be Here On Time” and “Contact Us In A Timely Manner” stuff that I feel those words apply to.

      My greatest accomplishment of the weekend: Q said that her friends said that I was “the best mom EVER.” I love, love, love those girls.

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      1. Lori,
        Reading what you did do – have you thought that just maybe you are taking on more than you can really cope with (with or without MS), and the “forgetting” is the way your mind lets you off even more commitments?
        I’d have been pushing myself to get done what you did, never mind what you didn’t do!

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      2. …the “forgetting” is the way your mind lets you off even more commitments…

        I have never thought of this before, that my mind might forget as sort of an unconscious defense mechanism. I have always wondered if my body gives out for the same reason, dating back to getting hospitalized for mono on the day before final-cut cheerleading tryouts in high school.

        I’m going to ponder this one for a while!

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  3. Ann is absolutely right. You always over-commit yourself, and I know it’s because you really want to do and be all that, but I don’t know anyone (besides maybe Patti) who can follow through on multiple commitments. Food for thought, Homey. Unfortunately you don’t have that darned owner’s manual (wish I had one, too. Maybe Gordon and Chuck can write one up for us, since they were technical writers). I vote for a trip to the MS Society for some info! Muah!

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    1. I cannot tell you how much I would love to see an “Owners Manual for the Body” written by Gordon and Chuck. I’m chuckling to myself just thinking about it!

      Maybe I will just decide that Patti is a bad influence on me with her perfect ways. I need to start practicing more external blame instead of internal blame. 🙂

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