In the light of day

Mt Hood & Tulips
Photo by Gaz Photo’s

I just deleted some stuff out of yesterday’s post. I don’t usually do that (except for grammatical errors and typos, because those bother my OCD self to no end – and feel free to point them out to me, as I will thank you for it). But when I woke up this morning, I wasn’t happy with a story I shared yesterday. It was no big deal, but it wasn’t about me and I wasn’t comfortable with the whole tone.  I can only ascribe it to late-night blogging and lowered awareness of what I feel is appropriate.

So on to bigger and better things.

I never really shared why I told that story about my little family yesterday. Our newspaper, The Oregonian, prints photos and stories each day of kids in foster care who are looking for permanent homes. There have been three times that I have seen kids in there that have just touched my heart, and yesterday was one of those days. There were two sisters, ages 16 and 11, who just sounded like they were meant to be in our family.  Another time there were three sisters; once, a single girl who reminded me soooo much of Quinland. I cut out her story and carried it around with me for weeks.

I’ve talked with David about this. He explains to me, patiently, that we are challenged enough in our daily lives by our one child and our own individual physical and behavioral issues. He explains, patiently, that kids in foster care will have pretty significant challenges of their own, and that they would do better in a family that is rock-solid on routines and stability, which we are not. He explains, patiently, that we need to concentrate on making the most of the life we have and not look for ways to complicate it.

“You’re right. You’re right. I know you’re right.” (Name that movie.)

I do know he is right. But this yearning – to have more kids, to have a sibling for Q, to help kids who need a home – is still there.

Daily Check-In:

  • I’m grateful! for the MS office, which provided me with an armload of books on wellness and lifestyle and health… and also for Glee.
  • I’m lighter! Month End will be finished in a timely manner today! Hooray!

My little family

Family Photo
Seriously, how cute is this photo?

Katie Bower, who blogs at my favorite blog (Bower Power), is consistently hilarious and honest and beautiful. Inside and out. She was sad today because she’s been trying to get pregnant for a year. She didn’t want tips or pity or advice… she just wanted to vent. I wrote a long comment on her blog just now, which may or may not ever get published, but I’ve decided to share it here. Because even if I will never be that drop-dead gorgeous or as quick with the celebrity analogy, I want to be just as honest. It could just be oversharing, I know. But hey, I do that in real life, as well.

What I said to Katie:

I am so sad for you, and I am 100% supportive on the whole cranky thing. I am soooooo not going to say, “Just relax; it will happen.” I have a 13-year-old and Baby #2 never happened. A few years back, I had to have a hysterectomy, and with a husband who does not believe that adoption is right for our family, it will never happen. I have a child who aches for that sibling as much as I do, who burst into tears the day he realized he will never be an uncle… and it isn’t going to happen. But I have to trust that God’s plans are right for me, that of course he knew I would be getting this rats’n frats’n MS – he gave me the most special kind! – and that I would have as much as I could handle dealing with that. And it’s not as though he hasn’t blessed me: I have a loving husband, a beautiful child, a wonderful supportive family. Yep, I have all those things AND an ache in my heart that will probably always be there. Maybe they are there to help me through it.
You know, I always tell Quinland that everyone has a challenge in their life, even the people who seem to have it all going perfectly. I guess I need to listen to myself. Maybe this ache for a larger family is just my hidden challenge. I hope it is only a temporary one for you, but maybe you’re going through it now, and sharing it, to help someone else with their situation… or to prepare you for a different situation in your future…

Edited: I deleted a bunch of stuff.  See my next post for details.

Daily Check-In:

  • I’m grateful! for my loving husband, my beautiful child, and my wonderful supportive family.  Love you guys!
  • I’m lighter! I wrote a gazillion lists for the Europe trip: stuff to pack, stuff to fix on the house before we leave, stuff to tell/show Greg about the house, medical appointments to have before we go, people to contact over there, ducks to get into a row. I also called and got info on COBRA medical coverage and did three loads of laundry. Whew!

The “One In, One Out” rule

Book Barn
Photo by chillihead

I dropped by Goodwill today and found fifteen books I wanted to buy. After our big book purge of last weekend, I have committed to a “One in, one out” rule for books, so I had to look at the Goodwill books more critically than usual.

  • Did I really need these books?
  • Would they bring me closer to the life I want to live?
  • Did I want them more than the books I have at home, which I had already decided were the Cream of the Crop?

I ended up putting six back. The other nine are still sitting in my car, because they can’t come into the house until I choose the nine books that are going to leave.

I feel good about my decisions. Three of the books are MS books, which I look for every time I go to Goodwill and which they never have in stock. Hooray!

Daily Check-In:

  • I’m grateful! for the kind Street Roots guy outside Powell’s today who graciously opened the door for me in the pouring rain (all eight times I went through it).
  • I’m lighter! by a ton of cardboard, a ton of random bits of hardware, a big file of old credit card statements, at least a dozen office organizer things, and a big stack of paper (now recycled). We’ve been working like fiends in the garage tonight.