I have just had a lovely dinner out with my friend Nicole. We have not seen each other in months and months. It is so nice to feel that we can just pick up where we are as though no time had passed.
I wish that were not the case, though. I want to feel that I am sharing my life with the people I care about. I get so caught up in the nitty-gritty of life, of how hard it feels to keep it together, that I lose sight of whom I am keeping it together for.
I love my friends. I love my family. They are the ones who make my life special.
Yet sometimes it feels that I am living just to get to my job and to take basic care of my home. Yes, they are important; one enables me to live, one gives me a place to do that living. Sometimes I feel like they are all I have energy for, just getting up every day, making it to work (or not, like this week), picking up the pieces of what I can get done around the house. No time to share with anyone else, no time to just have someone over to drink tea with me and share about our days. I know that I am bad at asking for help or companionship when I need it. I know that I am equally bad at reaching out and finding out who needs it from me.
And yet other times, when I least expect it, in sails a beautiful woman who chauffeurs me out to French food, sings bad 80s music with me, cleans my kitchen unasked, plays games with our beautiful children and makes a standing date with me – for the 17th, the day before steroids – simply because she loves me, and trusts that I will come through all this and be myself again, and will be there beside me regardless.
I have many such people in my life. I am thankful, and I need to make sure that all of them realize how much I appreciate them.
- I’m grateful! for my wonderful son, who is taking such good care of me this weekend.
- I’m lighter! I put myself on a careful schedule of resting and working today, and managed to do two loads of laundry and put away two boxes of Christmas stuff. Baby steps!