MS makes me doubt myself

Bartolomeo Eustachi: Peripheral Nervous System, c. 1722
Photo by brain_blogger

I hate the fact that MS makes me doubt myself.

Am I tired because I stayed up too late or walked too far? Or is it MS fatigue?

Is my leg stiff because I have been sitting too long in one position or should do yoga? Or is it MS spasticity?

Is my face puffy and round because I am overweight or simply round-faced? Or is it moon face from the MS prednisone treatment?

Am I depressed because life is getting me down or because I am prone to mood swings? Or am I down or prone to mood swings because of the MS?

I no longer trust my own instincts about my body. I have tried to proceed as if I do not have an MS diagnosis. If I am tired, I should sleep… but when I am still tired after way too much sleep, then what? If I am stiff, I should stretch… but when I am still stiff, then what? Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I going about everything the wrong way?

But if I ascribe everything to MS, I don’t feel that I am in a better position to judge anything. By its nature of randomly disrupting neurological transmissions, multiple sclerosis causes symptoms that can vary widely from day-to-day or from hour to hour. As I mentioned on my travel blog a couple of weeks ago, symptoms can be affected by pain, stress, body temperature, outdoor temperature, infection, worry, anxiety, bad posture, uncomfortable clothing, a full bladder, and constipation. This is not very helpful. My leg might hurt because I have to pee? Or because it is a nice day? I can’t always do anything about those situations!

Thinking like this is counterproductive, too. If stress and worry and anxiety can make my nerves act up, I had better not stress or worry about my health!

To top it off, I recently read something that said that some researchers are wondering if Progressive Relapsing MS (the type I have) is actually Secondary Progressive MS in people who did not realize that “all those years of random physical problems that seemed to resolve themselves” were actually episodes of Relapsing Remitting MS all along, which has now progressed to the point that it no longer remits. This makes me question every health issue I’ve ever experienced.

Argh. I have no answers. I worry that I am just obsessed with my health issues. Actually, I know I am, but I don’t know if that is to be expected, since I have health issues, or if it is extreme. Argh.

Daily Check-In:

  • I’m grateful! for my supportive family.
  • I’m lighter! since I have gotten such a good amount of sleep in the last 24 hours.

7 thoughts on “MS makes me doubt myself

  1. I do wish I had the perfect advice for you such that you would not allow yourself dreariness about your health and your spirits, but all I truly know is it is fatiguing to sit for so long in one attitude, and that a turn about the countryside is refreshing and a small sort of accomplishment.

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  2. Lori, live in the moment – you can’t change the past, so no point in regrets and the future is unknown, (unless you are a 100% reliable psychic – then please private message me the lottery numbers), so no point in worrying about future 🙂

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  3. Postscript: Lori, a goal for the two of us in barcelona, could be to reduce our stress levels + worrying. We could aspire to follow our bliss on the road, like jack kerouac, but without the ‘tea’ :0 😉

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    1. I hope that Barcelona helped reduce your stress levels a bit! I had such a nice time and can’t wait to do it again at your place! (The tea, I hope, will be along the lines of Earl Grey…)

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  4. The auto-immune curse we have means our bodies are always fighting us and causing yucky things. Sucks 380 lemons a second.

    Then again, God is with us. Take long, slow, pretty walks every day — not because you have to go anywhere, but just because you can! You can still see all the beauty around the cities where you visit. Remember “The Other Side of the Mountain” (in our beloved Reader’s Digest condensed books that made us love reading so much as kids? And made me afraid to go in the deep end of the pool ‘cuz they condensed “Jaws”!!) Any of us could lose our mobility any day, and that sucks 592 lemons a second. But today we can walk!

    Drink wine. You are in the countries that produce the best and yummiest wines! Wine is even in the Bible as drink of choice :-). There is a reason — it relaxes and has antioxidants (no study is allowed to contradict me on this 🙂 and there are so many kinds!

    Good things ahead in the next 24 hours. And the next. I’ve been taking my job one day at a time, and it seems to work (I don’t go down the overwhelmed rabbit hole of depression because there is too much work and too few people — instead, I take a walk and figure, screw it. This is all I can do today. Then I drink wine :-). Remember our theme for 2012: Joy

    Love you! Will learn Skype from Kevin tomorrow!

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    1. Can’t wait to Skype with you!

      You are right on everything, as usual. Joy, a long slow walk, and a glass of wine — what more could I need?

      I am feeling a lot better now that I have visited a great massage guy. I think my sore body makes me cranky.

      xo

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