I need to get clear on what I value.
I feel like there is a big disconnect right now between what I believe is important and how I am living my life in the day-to-day. I need to look at the areas of life that are meaningful to me, and make some serious decisions about how I am going to live.
I value my family. I believe it is important to be there for each other when possible. I am heading to a family funeral tonight, and I am so glad I am going… but I haven’t been to every funeral, or every wedding, and I need to ask myself why.
I value my health. I want to do the best I can to take control of this MS. But I skip yoga, I don’t handle stress well, I don’t manage Kaiser well, I don’t switch insurance so I can go to the MS center at St. Vincent’s… and I need to take a clear look at the reasons behind all this. I know we can start with fear, but I’m not sure if that’s the only thing driving me here.
I value my friendships. The support I get from the people who love me is so important to me. I don’t know what I would do without them. I try to be as positive and helpful to them, but I know that I need to be more conscientious about setting aside time for them, the biggest gift I have to give right now.
I value my relationship with David. One of the biggest things I took from our trip to Europe was how much I like spending time together, and how he cares for me – sometimes in the small ways, not the showy ways, but it is there.Yet at home, we fall into the trap of doing our own thing and spending all our time working on one thing or another, or decompressing separately, on the computer or reading or whatever. I want to choose to spend quality time together.
I value my relationship with Quinland. I think I am actually doing a pretty good job on this one, with the occasional blow-up on my part (due to medication side effects, usually). But we communicate well, we spend good time together, we enjoy each other’s company, I love and appreciate his friends and they like me. I could probably be a bit stricter and I could definitely be more structured on feeding him properly, but I am getting better,
I value living in a peaceful home. I am getting there, slowly but surely. Our bedroom is clean, the hallway is clean, the bathroom is tidy, Quinland’s room is pretty clean. The main floor is pretty chaotic due to being a broken-leg hospital ward, but overall I feel okay about people coming over. This is pretty big for me.
I value reading as a means of relaxation. Yeah, if I am being honest, I probably spend more time reading than I ought to, at the neglect of other important things… But I really do value the downtime and the peace of mind it gives me.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of things I believe in, just a few I have had on my mind lately. But it’s powerful to look at where I am and where I want to be, and see where I am succeeding and where I fall short. Really, some days it’s good to feel I am doing anything well!
I’m grateful for the wonderful conversation I had with my nephew, RJ, yesterday. It was such a treat to visit with him for so long.