I miss getting together for lunch or a cup of tea or coming over for dinner. I miss hanging out whenever we can.
I miss sharing the details of our days, telling you stories – and hearing you laugh at how ridiculous I am – and complaining about school or jobs or crazy people we have to deal with regularly. I miss the time we had to be with each other.
I miss the way I used to make time for you… for drinks or music or movies or scrapbooks or long walks or cups of tea, for whatever we felt like doing.
I hate that I have let my fatigue and my overwhelm and my never-ending quest to get my act together get in the way of, well, everything. I hate that I don’t know as much about your life right now as I would like to, about your joys and your frustrations. I hate “liking” your activities on Facebook when I wish I could be a part of them but I realize it is my own darn fault that I am not.
David will say, “Yeah, but are they calling you? The phone works both ways.” But seriously – and I’m not being a martyr here – why would you keep trying? I’ve made plans and not kept them; I’ve made promises to improve and not kept those, either. You’re completely aware that I’m too tired, too stressed, too sore to get up and do anything. Wouldn’t you figure it makes more sense to wait to hear from me, to wait for a time when I will feel like being sociable again? Of course you would, because you want the best for me and don’t want to add one more stress to my life, one more thing to my To Do list.
I hate that I am letting the people I care about slip away from me.
I don’t want to come home and fall straight into bed for the remainder of my waking hours. I don’t want to keep pulling the covers up over my head, distracting myself from how I feel by clicking around the internet on my phone until I manage to fall asleep. Day after day after day…
It obviously serves some purpose, gives me some comfort, offers me some support – or I wouldn’t be doing it – but I don’t want this kind of life.
So I’m going to reach out. It might take me a while to break free of the inertia and make an effort to really be present again, so please be patient with me… but I’ll be there, soon.
I’ve really missed you.