Since I was diagnosed with MS, I’ve noticed that I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I question myself constantly:
- Would anyone have tripped and fallen there? (That oldie-but-goodie!)
- Could [insert every possible health condition here] be a new MS symptom?
- Am I having a flare-up of an old symptom?
- Is this symptom a sign that I am going to get sick in the next day or two?
- Do I have an infection I don’t even know about yet?
Those paranoid questions lead to other questions, which fill my brain all the time. Here are some of today’s:
- Am I always going to be this tired?
- Should I take the fatigue medication (usually a stimulant) and trade the fatigue for some really unwanted side effects?
- Will I ever be able to work consistently without having to take so many days off?
- Will I ever stop feeling guilty about calling in sick? It’s not like I’m doing anything but lying in bed, but will I always feel that I’m not living up to work expectations?
- Will this disease progress? If so, how quickly?
- Are my cognitive skills declining due to brain lesions, or am I just getting old?
- Is going out on Social Security Disability in my future? How do you even get it?
- Am I going to need a walker?
- Should I move to a one-story house?
- Will Quinland get MS? (There is a possible genetic component.)
And so it goes. The real question is, why am I sitting here worrying about all this when there is so much good in my life? Am I a bad or ungrateful person? Couldn’t I put my brainpower to better use?
Yes, I could definitely find better things to think about. But the darn questions about MS are so insidious because the causes and effects of the disease, the symptoms and the treatments, are all so uncertain.
It really makes you wonder.